[Dargon-writers-list] Grim Review: A Guard's Life RTP

[Mark A. Murray]

>  >   "Hmm," said Harbin Trell. He turned to the witness bench. "Well,
>  > Vashi, what do you think?"
>  >   The woman who had been seated next to Darklen rose and took the
>  > stand. Denn saw that she was a good-looking woman, slender, with dark
>  > hair braided like a coronet around her head. She said, "He speaks the
>  > truth, Justiciar. Denn did not try to steal the horse."
>  >   Trell said, "Straight, you're free Denn."
>  >   "I don't understand," Denn stuttered, looking back and forth between
> 
> And neither do I, nor will anyone else who reads this story.  This is a 
> completely unsubstantiated change in the plot of the story.  I don't 
> mind that we have a surprise witness, and I don't mind that she's 
> secretly a "truh hearer" ... what I do mind is that there is no 

Um, no.  The whole "truth hearer" was taken completely out of the story. 
  As far as things go, the reader is left with unanswered questions on 
who or what she is.  As far as the reader knows, Vashi could be a truth 
hearer (if introduced into Dargon from later stories), could really have 
seen the whole thing (Darklen's spy on Boyd), or could be a plant by 
Darklen just to get Denn free.  In this story, it doesn't matter which 
one she is.  Just that Denn, yet again, is swept along on a course he 
didn't choose.

> formality in the introduction of the witness, there is no deliberation 
> by the judge (even though Trell knows Vashi is a truth hearer), and no 
> explanation as to why Trell made the decision he did.  If I were the 
> woman who owned the horse, I'd be outraged.  I'd be making a scene.  I'd 
> be demanding to know who the witness was, and how she was paid off to 
> just show up and free the person who stole her horse.  I know you 
> reference the fact that Denn is in such a haze at being released that he 
> can't hear the arguments behind him, but that's a cop out, in my 

The story is about Denn.  What happens behind him as he leaves is, well, 
another story.

> opinion.  Those arguments wouldn't even happen if you introduced Vashi 
> properly and Trell deliberated a bit on the decision.  Or at least 
> pretended to.

Yeah, but then we delve into things not about Denn.  It's about Vashi, 
Trell, Darklen, and Boyd.

> Over all, I feel like it's a weak ending. 
> 
> I want you to know that I think you did a great job taking Pam's story 
> and bringing it this far.  You've improved the story significantly from 
> the state that it was in to get it here.  I believe, however, that 
> without taking it just this little bit further you are defeating the 
> purpose of all the work you've done.  I know you can do that extra work 
> and it wouldn't take more than a couple dozen lines of text at best.  
> I'd even be willing to write them, if you don't feel like doing it.

Appreciate the offer.  But, I like the story as it is without giving up 
all the facts surrounding it.  Not only does it provide a good basis for 
another story about these characters, but it also would shift the focus 
of the story away from Denn too much.

Mark