[Dargon-writers-list] Grim Review: A Guard's Life RTP

[Jon Evans]

Mark A. Murray wrote:
> I consider this RTP unless there are glaring errors.
>
> Some will be disappointed in it and some won't like it.  Here's hoping 
> no one hates it.  :)

A Guard's Life
by P. Atchley and Mark A. Murray
deepartha at yahoo.com and wv_mark at yahoo.com
Seber 11-17 1018

I don't hate it.  But I still see the following part at being a glaring 
error.

 >   "Hmm," said Harbin Trell. He turned to the witness bench. "Well,
 > Vashi, what do you think?"
 >   The woman who had been seated next to Darklen rose and took the
 > stand. Denn saw that she was a good-looking woman, slender, with dark
 > hair braided like a coronet around her head. She said, "He speaks the
 > truth, Justiciar. Denn did not try to steal the horse."
 >   Trell said, "Straight, you're free Denn."
 >   "I don't understand," Denn stuttered, looking back and forth between

And neither do I, nor will anyone else who reads this story.  This is a 
completely unsubstantiated change in the plot of the story.  I don't 
mind that we have a surprise witness, and I don't mind that she's 
secretly a "truh hearer" ... what I do mind is that there is no 
formality in the introduction of the witness, there is no deliberation 
by the judge (even though Trell knows Vashi is a truth hearer), and no 
explanation as to why Trell made the decision he did.  If I were the 
woman who owned the horse, I'd be outraged.  I'd be making a scene.  I'd 
be demanding to know who the witness was, and how she was paid off to 
just show up and free the person who stole her horse.  I know you 
reference the fact that Denn is in such a haze at being released that he 
can't hear the arguments behind him, but that's a cop out, in my 
opinion.  Those arguments wouldn't even happen if you introduced Vashi 
properly and Trell deliberated a bit on the decision.  Or at least 
pretended to.

Over all, I feel like it's a weak ending. 

I want you to know that I think you did a great job taking Pam's story 
and bringing it this far.  You've improved the story significantly from 
the state that it was in to get it here.  I believe, however, that 
without taking it just this little bit further you are defeating the 
purpose of all the work you've done.  I know you can do that extra work 
and it wouldn't take more than a couple dozen lines of text at best.  
I'd even be willing to write them, if you don't feel like doing it.

-grim

-- 
Jon Evans     Writer/Techie/Dad      thegodling at verizon.net
DargonZine -- Free Fantasy Fiction Online
The Longest Running Magazine on the internet ... Period.
http://www.dargonzine.org