[Dargon-writers-list] The Game part 4 RTP

[Jon Evans]

Mark A. Murray wrote:
> I consider this RTP unless there are glaring errors. :)

Of the whole series, there are a couple of issues where sentences skip 
to the next line before coming even close to the 72-character limit, but 
that's a small issue.  I'm sure either our formatting program will catch 
it, or it will simply go in as-is with little notice from the readers.

There are these in part 4, however:

 >Then he stepped inside and kissed her bruisingly. She responded with 
equal force, and
 >only when she tasted salt did he release her.

How would he know she tasted salt?  I think there's an extraneous "s" ...

>      Jande opened her eyes, her breath coming fast. "The truth is that 
> I love you. I love you so much that I would do anything to keep you.  
> I first came to you because I wanted to get back at my husband for his 
> visits to another house.  Even though he's dead, I wanted that taste 
> of revenge.  He stopped sleeping in my bed.  But you, you liked 
> everything we did.  I needed you and you wouldn't leave that stupid 
> house," she screamed. 

Screamed?  I had her breathless, panting, heated ... but not screaming.  
That threw me because it was such an unexpected descriptor.

>      The female guard -- Jande remembered her name was Nusa -- moved 
> closer, saying ...

Sudden shift into Jande's perspective.

>      I felt betrayed not only by Grana, someone whom I'd begun to 
> think of as a friend, but also by my profession.

Ends rather flat, doesn't it?

And, as I said in my previous review, the whole "we tricked you into 
admitting the truth" bit is really overdone.

-grim




-- 
Jon Evans     Writer/Techie/Dad      thegodling at verizon.net
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