[Dargon-writers-list] CRIT(LD): Stolen Thunder, Draft 4

[William Donahue]

 > on the old crate. After a mene his wandering eye picked the familiar 
face out
 > of a small knot of folk on the other side of the wide intersection. 
Josey
 > got up and wandered over, arriving just as the group broke up, with 
everyone
 > but Nessis wandering off. Nessis was wearing a small vendor’s 
ware-box that he
 >

wandering-wandered-wandering. Distracting. Maybe make the middle one 
"strolled"?

 >      "How much will you charge me to make a
 >  hundred of these?" asked Nessis  with a grin.

On the ending, for some reason hair on fire seems a lot better than butt 
on fire. Not sure why. Both are slapstick, but back-of-the-pants 
slapstick just felt too over the top.

I think I like the final scene, too, except for the perspective crash in 
the last sentence (Abrogast does not know Nessis' name, and it's his 
perspective). It's not even necessary to the story. You could just make 
it "he asked with a grin". Anyone who read this story and can't figure 
out that the burned guy holding the tube is Nessis deserves to be 
confused, IMO...

Anyway, great stuff, and but for those two minor tweaks, RTP!

L