[Dargon-writers-list] CRIT (LD) The Game part 1 RTP

[Mark A. Murray]

> One minor tweak, and a question.
> 
>  >either side of the bed. I had brought a candle with me, and I 
> proceeded to light
>  >one of the other candles.
>  >      "Please light everything," she said.
>  >      I frowned as I lit every candle.
>  >      "The sconce too, please."
>  >      I stood on the bed and lit it, then got down and went out of the 
> room to
>  >put the lit torch back from where I'd gotten it. When I returned to 
> the room, it
> 
> At the beginning of that section, he brought a candle, but he puts back 
> a torch. I'd suggest changing the section reference to a candle, as a 
> torch seems a little out of place for a brothel.

Erg.  Thought I caught all the torch refs.  It should be "... went out 
of the room to put the candle back from where I'd gotten it."

>  >If I had only pried into her life a bit more …"
> 
>  From what a remember of previous drafts, I can't think of what he might 
> have learned, later in the story, about her life that would make this 
> sentence make sense. Did you change something later? If not, what was it 
> that he could have learned that would have saved him from the problem 
> that develops?

She makes note of some personal problems she has/had.  Basically, he'd 
have noticed she's not mentally stable.