[Dargon-writers-list] CRIT (LD): The Game part 4 RTP

[William Donahue]

Well, I'm not going to say that I like the Murder, She Wrote ending any 
more than in previous critiques. But since it's not a glaring error or a 
canon issue, I won't go into it again.

There was one pronoun problem and one problem of consistency, both in 
the same spot:


 >      Nusa interrupted, "Jande? I thought you said Grana's runner took 
 > you to her house."

Really confusing preposition there. Pulled me completely out of the 
story to process it in context.

Given that you've already established whose runner it is, why not say 
"the runner", or even "Vennie", "took you to Grana's house."?

I also have to point out that, given that this at least the 4th time 
they have been over this story, and Jande's presence is a key element of 
the story, it's pretty ridiculous that Nusa would express surprise or 
doubt that Jande was the one who emerged, even if she's just trying to 
trip Delex up.

The better question for Nusa (who should know whose house it was at this 
point) might be "why did Grana send her runner to bring you to Jande's 
house?" or "why would Jande want to meet you at Grana's house?"

L